My Life Path

I refuse to be restrained by society. I've always been a rebel in notion, but I've also been honing my skills to rebel against the world with actions.

I've been thinking very, very deeply these few days. What exactly are the two things that I prioritize in my life?

- Enlightenment, spreading the dharma and healing beings
- Family, Love and Principles

From my own research, medicine idealistically seemed like a career that would allow me to reach out to both - but increasingly I see that this might not conform exactly to reality. As such, I've been preparing with strategies to brace this impact.

I recognize that there is absolutely no room for changing one's circumstances if there is no force and determination behind it.

What would still allow me to pursue my dream, using my medicine degree as a leverage? Graduating from medicine does not immediately condemn me to a path of residency and a hospital life, although it can be.

I feel that this is too limited a view - I don't simply want to be localized in a system, I want to reach out more - I want to help many people.

I explored... What skillsets do I have? What can I use? What can I leverage? What can I do to achieve my dream?

- Over the years I have developed a powerful skillset for marketing and advertisement, especially through the internet. I can even say that my copywriting skills are quite top-of-the-notch and can fetch a few hundreds per sales letter.

- Secondly, I have connections to medicine, international business consultants, etc.

- If I finish my medical degree, I will end up with a MD, which is a very prominent credibility - which also probably allows me to easily enter research fields related to medicine

- So on and on... I don't want to list them here, some things are best offline

But then I realized... I can still pursue my dream even outside of surgery. The only question here is the enabling currency: Money. You need money to do things. Therefore, my entire premise for a possible backup plan to my medicine career is to develop multiple streams of income.

And I can do this.

After looking deeply into myself for the past few days, I've found what is important to me, what is my life purpose and path. What I can devote my entire existence to making happen.

I envision a world free of disease - I envision a world with healers and compassionate doctors - I envision a world with undivided medicine - I envision a world where the dharma is treated as medicine.

I envision developing countries with better sanitation and farming facilities. Better healthcare. I envision people coming together hand-in-hand in recognition for mother Earth.

I WANT this to happen. 

I don't care about hardship or hard work. All of that is arbitrary. I care for people I love. That's why I am unwilling to make some trade-offs. I will never become a person forced to compromise family because of the imbalance. 

However, my decision cannot be made right now - Instead, I will work for circumstances to make that change. 

I think there's something about me that changed over the years. Meditation seems to have done it for me. My intention to help people seems magnified.

My parents may be against it, people everyone around me might think I'm idealistic and crazy. 

I don't care.

Visions are made so that they can be reached for.

Visions are what exerts change in the world.

We only live for a few decades in the world. You know that it is not very long. You're already in your 20s or 30s. That's a quarter gone. That's why I need to do this. 

Strangers with memories

We're strangers with memories.

What binds me to you, and you to me? Memories. Memories are curious things.

I remember your physical gestures, your face, the way you spoke, the way you thought, the way you acted. I remember how you made me feel. I remember what topics we spoke about. I remember all the tiny little things.

Slowly but surely, I was amassing more memories of you. But do I really know you? How can you say your own memories would ever completely describe a person? You know a person's tendencies. We learn how their patterns of behavior. That's how we think we know a person.

But a person is always changing.

Just 20 years ago, this person was a child. The child's looks, thoughts, behaviors - everything - changed. 20 years later, this person is an adult. Looks, thoughts, behaviours, emotions - some remain, but most of it have changed. Give a few more years - you'll see a completely different person.

So don't ever say that you really know a person.

You can know one's patterns of behavior - how their ego works. You can hate it, you can be thrilled by it, you can love it - But ultimately these things never last.

Know a person as that person is. To exist is a verb - it is something that goes on continuously. The only time a person stops changing in that way is when one dies and sheds the physical body.

When we love, at that one moment of stillness - these things no longer mattered.

That one moment of silence was when two beings connected.

So why can't we continue to connect that way?

Memories are there, but one should never hold on to them, because they obscure the view of the person in front of you.

Isn't this person amazing? Right there, in front of you. Not the image in your head formed from memories, but this heart-beating individual, pulsing with life?

You've just met him or her again. Today is a different day.

You and I are strangers.

But memories are our own. Cherish the positive memories. Live in the moment with that other person. Be completely present.

The Eyes

Recently I've been blogging again, yes - The inspiration has come back... Besides I really need the time for self-reflection.

~

They say the eyes are windows to the soul.

Maybe that's why you're afraid when someone looks intensely into yours. You're afraid of baring your soul - You're afraid of someone knowing who you deeply are inside.

Some people's eyes look worn-out, as if they've seen so much of life's suffering that they've lost the light in their eyes. Some people's eyes are brilliant and shining, like a child unwrapping his Christmas present. Some people's eyes are rigid and hard, as if it could form armor around his own psyche.

I've always been told that my expressions come from my eyes. Well... Recently that's not true, but as a general rule I do smile with my eyes.

The Taoists say that "Shen" comes out from the eyes (therefore the Chinese word Yan-Shen 眼神). Therefore, people with refined Shen will normally have bright eyes, while people who have suppressed their inner spirits normally have tired eyes.

Shen comes from Qi; Qi comes from Jing. Translated to English, this means Spirit comes from Vitality, Vitality comes from Essence. This essence is like a life-force that supports life. So being drained of it will cause huge fatigue and problems, even health problems.

From personal experience, I find that I have absolutely no problems in maintaining contact with someone I care for deeply.

Having seen so many eyes, I've developed a strange theory. I've mapped out the different types of eyes (it's hard to explain) - But you can really see them as windows to the soul. Okay maybe I'll post more about it when I've refined my thoughts.

Psychological Inertia

Inertia is the word used to describe how an object continues to move through its momentum even though the force acting on it has already stopped. As an example, you stop pedaling the bicycle and inertia is what allows it to continue rolling forward.

The scars of people run deep.

People who were bullied in their childhood hold this sense of pain as they grow up. They might become the most interesting guy in the workplace, but inside they still hold this inner trauma within them. Because of that, they hold people away - They are afraid of their self-worth being stepped upon again. No matter how loved they are, they are afraid to let people get close again.

We again see people who were forced to meet standards while young, and then continuously hold that sense of wanting to prove themselves to others repeatedly. They literally live for the validation of other people.

People who suffer heartbreak clinch onto themselves, unwilling to become vulnerable and open their heart again to someone else. They become 'incomplete', grasping for more - wanting more, but yet unwilling to release their own fears.

There are all kinds of people in the world and so the scars come in many forms.

But that's what it means to be human.

To me, our minds have collections of habits. Some that repeatedly surface, again and again. Physical habits, emotional habits, mental habits.... They are structures with a stuck pattern, with a form of inertia, a form of memory.

Some forms of habits are useful - like for brushing your teeth or walking. For checking the road for cars before crossing.

But of course - the troublesome habits are those that you have accumulated within yourself - as emotional or mental habits.

You can't just stop one day and decide, I will no longer do that. Changing a negative habit is replacing it with a positive habit to stay away from it. To see the root of the negative habit and remove its validation completely.

In fact, it's part of what we would call an "identity".

When we build habits with other people, we form a "common identity" - but it's also part of your role in this world.

If it's this deeply ingrained, the only way is to acknowledge this negative habit and actively try to replace it with a more positive change.

Self-permission

We often forget that we, too, are a part of nature. When one doesn't understand that, we are unconsciously riding the waves and conditions that nature lays out for us.

When a flower smells aromatic, a delicacy tastes sumptuous, situations result in favorable circumstances or basically when we get into a particularly pleasurable situation - We then permit ourselves to feel pleasure.

On the other hand, when a flower smells pungent, a food-item tastes horrid, situations result in unfavorable circumstances or when we get into a particularly painful situation - We then permit ourselves to feel pain.

Our travel through life flickers between these two poles of pleasure and pain. We delight, chase and savor pleasure while it lasts. We evade, shirk and despair pain while it lasts. But ultimately, like a pendulum, life is a path where pain and pleasure trades each other off. One cannot exist without the other. There is only pain with pleasure as background; Likewise, there is only pleasure with pain as background.

Let's talk about the typical romance story: A girl meets a guy. Guy and girl start permitting pleasure as a result of favorable experiences. They are using each other as permission slips for feeling pleasure, and calling it love.

When we are pleasurable emotionally, we call it love and compassion. When we are pleasurable physically, we call it health. When we are pleasurable mentally, we call it happiness. In other words, love is not some force that drops out of the sky, but something you permit yourself to feel.

Too much drama happens in the name of "love".

If you think about it logically, they are really just games of fantasy. One side has a certain perspective, so does the other. Each are fighting for more pleasure instead of pain. But both sides do not realize that the problem starts with themselves.

For example, girl thinks guy gave her love before. Hence, when girl closes herself up from this pleasurable sensation, girl thinks that guy has stopped showing her love. Girl wants to see actions from guy so that she can allow herself to feel love.

If you think about it here, it is irrational. How can you expect someone to do something, so that you can feel pleasurable?

True love is not something you can give to another person. Love is simply pleasure. When one bares one's heart completely, allowing all expectations to fall away - Then right there, one is able to feel pleasure.

Love is self-permitted. It cannot be given, just permitted. It is simply a matter of whether one truly loves oneself, because in order to truly love, one has to love oneself first.

Back from the Phillippines

I always had in my mind, the Philippines, as a pretty slummed down area - third world country that would totally look like some of those old-day kampong villages. Well, I was partially right. There were some areas which looked really, really bad - when the rain came, the sides of the roads would be flooded. The water would be like a quarter of a tyre high and it made walking in the mud a little pain in the ass.

But the developed areas kinda surprised me. Frankly speaking, their economy is far more bustling than Perth. Jeez, they have so many eateries and shops I would say Perth is like a snail to the Philippines, a cheetah.

It's really, really funny though. You'd see the streets looking pretty run-down and all... But when you enter their homes, it can be bigger than your Singaporean HDB flat. When you look at how some of the locals dress up, they have far more fashion sense. They don't look run-down at all man. Then you look at the shops - it's completely comprehensive with so many recognizable brands.

It just "looks" run-down. The people and the homes aren't that run-down... Well, mostly.

Some were pretty bad. I could see leaking roofs when the rain came. Some of the houses were located so damn deep inside foresty areas that I was quite surprised when I realized there was an entire village full of bungalow-looking houses inside.

The scenery isn't bad. It's quite a change from the developed countries where you see industrialization everywhere. I kind of like it there. You'd see rundown stuff... then loads of trees... then mountains... then... gosh it's like they have everything over here. The really nice places can have really blue seas and all. Beautiful.

Another thing that warmed my heart was their culture in the Philippines.

Their culture is really weird for a Singaporean, definitely. They literally treat every single person around them as if they knew them for years. They'd suddenly talk to the person next to them as if they knew them for like 10000 years. They'd just touch another person's arm just to ask her a question. They'd just laugh when they want to, cry when they want to...

Man, that freedom makes me kinda envious.

Contrast that to the "modern" society where people suppress whatever they're feeling and try not to step on each other toes. Secluded from each other. So near to each other yet so bloody far. Eyes stuck on mobile phones and tablets. You're with a friend and he or she is in cyberspace instead.

I don't know, it's not like the Filipinos don't have money to get mobile phones. Some of them do. It's just that they don't get absorbed into technology as much as we do.

Another reason was this...

My dad got a godson, for some reason. I just realized I had a god-bro lol, kinda cool. But yeah, the way they welcomed us in the airport was insane.

Over twenty people just there to welcome us. They showered us with warmth, hugged us despite us not knowing them, and they were just so damn genuine I was questioning my own existence lol. I was questioning what the hell I was living in - a dreadful cold society where each kept to themselves.

These people just held nothing back... They literally spent a few months of their salaries showering us with some gifts. My dad was refusing them, telling them that he felt so bad and he wanted to pay himself, but they just said that they wanted to.

It reminds me of the older culture we had in Singapore, according to my dad. He said that people in the kampong were always together and treated each other as neighbors. They would go as a group, work as a group and everybody was part of this amazing warmth.

Kind of makes me wonder... Is industrialization really helping us?

Industrialization made the Westerners a completely individualistic society. The collectivism of Asian societies are rapidly degrading. I don't know if it's a good thing.

It makes me sad, really, it does. Even at my generation, people no longer seem to have such deep respect for other people any more. They don't seem to be as trusting, as selfless, as warm any more. Not even myself. It sucks, really.

Goal check A

Programming is rather interesting - it's kind of like mathematics only with a clear difference: It has proper syntax and is readable to a computer's processor, a compiler and a human.

Never realized how complicated programming could be until I recently finished a project after tons of pouring through textbooks, lecture notes and videos. Though I can happily say that I'm at the level of a year 2 comp-science student now! I'm kind of glad I can now become more of a lazy bastard and study as efficiently as possible because I don't have to waste time on monotonous tasks or repetitive things.  :)

Milestones achieved: Learnt C, C++, Java programming, literal science behind computers and servers, databases, SQL, etc. :D

Time taken: 10 days.

Reward: A day in USS woohoo

Extension: Code apps for convenience; Code apps/games to sell.

Next goal: Learn marketing to level 2 curriculum within 2 weeks.