My Life Path

I refuse to be restrained by society. I've always been a rebel in notion, but I've also been honing my skills to rebel against the world with actions.

I've been thinking very, very deeply these few days. What exactly are the two things that I prioritize in my life?

- Enlightenment, spreading the dharma and healing beings
- Family, Love and Principles

From my own research, medicine idealistically seemed like a career that would allow me to reach out to both - but increasingly I see that this might not conform exactly to reality. As such, I've been preparing with strategies to brace this impact.

I recognize that there is absolutely no room for changing one's circumstances if there is no force and determination behind it.

What would still allow me to pursue my dream, using my medicine degree as a leverage? Graduating from medicine does not immediately condemn me to a path of residency and a hospital life, although it can be.

I feel that this is too limited a view - I don't simply want to be localized in a system, I want to reach out more - I want to help many people.

I explored... What skillsets do I have? What can I use? What can I leverage? What can I do to achieve my dream?

- Over the years I have developed a powerful skillset for marketing and advertisement, especially through the internet. I can even say that my copywriting skills are quite top-of-the-notch and can fetch a few hundreds per sales letter.

- Secondly, I have connections to medicine, international business consultants, etc.

- If I finish my medical degree, I will end up with a MD, which is a very prominent credibility - which also probably allows me to easily enter research fields related to medicine

- So on and on... I don't want to list them here, some things are best offline

But then I realized... I can still pursue my dream even outside of surgery. The only question here is the enabling currency: Money. You need money to do things. Therefore, my entire premise for a possible backup plan to my medicine career is to develop multiple streams of income.

And I can do this.

After looking deeply into myself for the past few days, I've found what is important to me, what is my life purpose and path. What I can devote my entire existence to making happen.

I envision a world free of disease - I envision a world with healers and compassionate doctors - I envision a world with undivided medicine - I envision a world where the dharma is treated as medicine.

I envision developing countries with better sanitation and farming facilities. Better healthcare. I envision people coming together hand-in-hand in recognition for mother Earth.

I WANT this to happen. 

I don't care about hardship or hard work. All of that is arbitrary. I care for people I love. That's why I am unwilling to make some trade-offs. I will never become a person forced to compromise family because of the imbalance. 

However, my decision cannot be made right now - Instead, I will work for circumstances to make that change. 

I think there's something about me that changed over the years. Meditation seems to have done it for me. My intention to help people seems magnified.

My parents may be against it, people everyone around me might think I'm idealistic and crazy. 

I don't care.

Visions are made so that they can be reached for.

Visions are what exerts change in the world.

We only live for a few decades in the world. You know that it is not very long. You're already in your 20s or 30s. That's a quarter gone. That's why I need to do this. 

Strangers with memories

We're strangers with memories.

What binds me to you, and you to me? Memories. Memories are curious things.

I remember your physical gestures, your face, the way you spoke, the way you thought, the way you acted. I remember how you made me feel. I remember what topics we spoke about. I remember all the tiny little things.

Slowly but surely, I was amassing more memories of you. But do I really know you? How can you say your own memories would ever completely describe a person? You know a person's tendencies. We learn how their patterns of behavior. That's how we think we know a person.

But a person is always changing.

Just 20 years ago, this person was a child. The child's looks, thoughts, behaviors - everything - changed. 20 years later, this person is an adult. Looks, thoughts, behaviours, emotions - some remain, but most of it have changed. Give a few more years - you'll see a completely different person.

So don't ever say that you really know a person.

You can know one's patterns of behavior - how their ego works. You can hate it, you can be thrilled by it, you can love it - But ultimately these things never last.

Know a person as that person is. To exist is a verb - it is something that goes on continuously. The only time a person stops changing in that way is when one dies and sheds the physical body.

When we love, at that one moment of stillness - these things no longer mattered.

That one moment of silence was when two beings connected.

So why can't we continue to connect that way?

Memories are there, but one should never hold on to them, because they obscure the view of the person in front of you.

Isn't this person amazing? Right there, in front of you. Not the image in your head formed from memories, but this heart-beating individual, pulsing with life?

You've just met him or her again. Today is a different day.

You and I are strangers.

But memories are our own. Cherish the positive memories. Live in the moment with that other person. Be completely present.

The Eyes

Recently I've been blogging again, yes - The inspiration has come back... Besides I really need the time for self-reflection.

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They say the eyes are windows to the soul.

Maybe that's why you're afraid when someone looks intensely into yours. You're afraid of baring your soul - You're afraid of someone knowing who you deeply are inside.

Some people's eyes look worn-out, as if they've seen so much of life's suffering that they've lost the light in their eyes. Some people's eyes are brilliant and shining, like a child unwrapping his Christmas present. Some people's eyes are rigid and hard, as if it could form armor around his own psyche.

I've always been told that my expressions come from my eyes. Well... Recently that's not true, but as a general rule I do smile with my eyes.

The Taoists say that "Shen" comes out from the eyes (therefore the Chinese word Yan-Shen 眼神). Therefore, people with refined Shen will normally have bright eyes, while people who have suppressed their inner spirits normally have tired eyes.

Shen comes from Qi; Qi comes from Jing. Translated to English, this means Spirit comes from Vitality, Vitality comes from Essence. This essence is like a life-force that supports life. So being drained of it will cause huge fatigue and problems, even health problems.

From personal experience, I find that I have absolutely no problems in maintaining contact with someone I care for deeply.

Having seen so many eyes, I've developed a strange theory. I've mapped out the different types of eyes (it's hard to explain) - But you can really see them as windows to the soul. Okay maybe I'll post more about it when I've refined my thoughts.

Psychological Inertia

Inertia is the word used to describe how an object continues to move through its momentum even though the force acting on it has already stopped. As an example, you stop pedaling the bicycle and inertia is what allows it to continue rolling forward.

The scars of people run deep.

People who were bullied in their childhood hold this sense of pain as they grow up. They might become the most interesting guy in the workplace, but inside they still hold this inner trauma within them. Because of that, they hold people away - They are afraid of their self-worth being stepped upon again. No matter how loved they are, they are afraid to let people get close again.

We again see people who were forced to meet standards while young, and then continuously hold that sense of wanting to prove themselves to others repeatedly. They literally live for the validation of other people.

People who suffer heartbreak clinch onto themselves, unwilling to become vulnerable and open their heart again to someone else. They become 'incomplete', grasping for more - wanting more, but yet unwilling to release their own fears.

There are all kinds of people in the world and so the scars come in many forms.

But that's what it means to be human.

To me, our minds have collections of habits. Some that repeatedly surface, again and again. Physical habits, emotional habits, mental habits.... They are structures with a stuck pattern, with a form of inertia, a form of memory.

Some forms of habits are useful - like for brushing your teeth or walking. For checking the road for cars before crossing.

But of course - the troublesome habits are those that you have accumulated within yourself - as emotional or mental habits.

You can't just stop one day and decide, I will no longer do that. Changing a negative habit is replacing it with a positive habit to stay away from it. To see the root of the negative habit and remove its validation completely.

In fact, it's part of what we would call an "identity".

When we build habits with other people, we form a "common identity" - but it's also part of your role in this world.

If it's this deeply ingrained, the only way is to acknowledge this negative habit and actively try to replace it with a more positive change.